hi.
Today I'm selling girl scout
Cookies and so far I've been
Doing this many and -- sorry,
Um, I already sold 60 boxes.
Whoop-whoop.
I usually sell like ten boxes
But I sold 60.
[laughter]
ow.
[laughter]
[ crying ]
[cheers and applause]
tosh: It's what you get for
Blocking the entrance to the
Grocery store you ckie pusher.
Whoop-whoop.
Welcome to "tosh.0."
This is the final installment of
Sick kicks for the ladies and
Ending with the nike air max
Plus 2012 ompic edition.
What better way to celebrate
International competition than
With a shoe made by chinese
Children for america profit.
The usa!
Tonight on the show we prove
That it's not easy being queasy.
I go for the gold and ilow
Your goddamn mind with my 100%
Accurate predictions.
All right.
Time to work on her first-aid
Badge.
I already sold 60 boxes.
you didn't do [bleep].
They sell themselves.
I usually sell like ten boxes
But I sold 60.
[laughter]
tosh: You know who loves this
Video, everyone in her dad's
Office.
Luckily there's a thin mint in
The freezer from '07.
Reduces swelling.
There's a conspiracy theory
Going around she didn't fall.
She was pushed.
[ dramatic music ]
ow.
tosh: That's what you get.
That's what you get.
Five bucks a box.
Cookies.
Num, num, num.
tosh: Not one acting class
Ever.
Only furry wear is monster fur.
Here's proof bally has been a
[bleep] hole for years.
There are no stationary bikes at
The gym because they haven't
Invented the wheel yet.
That's whathe weightlifting
Room will look like at penn
State once they're done getting
Sued.
The place closes at dusk because
That's when the pterodactyls
Take to the sky.
Guess who's getting grounded for
Arson.
my house is on fire!
oh, my god, hell no!
What the [bleep]!
My house is on fire.
Oh, my god!
to: Let's hope the second
Responders are men.
oh, hell [bleep]ing no.
tosh: We narrowed down the
Suspects to anyone who ever
Heard youtalk.
get it out
tosh: I'm sure the cat was
Smart enough to leave t
Burning house.
Too bad she's not holding some
Magical device that can summon
Highly-trained professionals to
Stop the fire from spreading.
Coming up on the wels of steel
It's d. Cranky pants.
[bleep].
tosh: Yeah, slut, you could
Have hit c and ruined the
Whole evening.
That should happen every time
Paris hilton steps up to a d.J.
Boh.
[¶]
tosh: It's kind of like a
Dedication.
I can't wait how accurately
She'll describe the
Confrontation on her blog.
Not all horses have the wild
[bleep] beaten out of them.
tosh: Good time to mention
The queer-bashers at chick-fil-a
Only serve horse meat.
Now put 20 seconds on the clock
And see how many comments we can
Make.
He used apple-scented body wash
And then became the dumbest
Superhero ever, horse spiderman.
There's not a prett year place
On earth to pet miley cyrus.
They're not all as eager to
[bleep] you as mr. Hand.
What's next?
[laughter]
tosh: Well, it's official,
Women can't drive anything.
Let's watch her void the
Rascal's warrant this week's
Americans with disabilities act
To breakdown.
Escalators are supposed to be
For us normal has it like to
Pretent our p
Pretend our legs don't work and
This can get dicey.
You let one person without legs
Compete in london and looks what
Happened.
The doctor said she'd never walk
Again and now she's doing
Backflips.
A true inspiration.
This video can go on forever.
She's accident prone.
Go to the top and make sure no
One shuts it down when your
Halfway up.
Like mitch said an escalator can
Never break it can only become
Stairs.
She's been able the whole time?
Tow that line you [bleep] car.
The only thing she's really
Suffering from is crippling
Laziness but her can't-do
Attitude is what makes this
Country so mediocre.
For that we thank you.
We'll be right back with barf
But first this guy's really bad
At skipping stones.
striped banana.
Supposedly it's supposed to make
You puke.
[laughter]
oh, my god.
to: Just imagine how much
Ey'd be puking if they drank
The sierra mist [bleep].
Some scientist found out if you
Drink it and go on it wi make
You throw up.
The only time you should make
Yourself vomit is if you'd
Swallowed poison or need to go
Down a dress size.
Ralphing is a staple of this
Show because no matter how
Brilliant I am I'll never be
Funnier than a guy [bleep]ing
Through his teeth.
If it were up to me this show
Uld be about flipping
Million-dollar houses but comedy
Central pays me to keep you
Happy
I know it means we'll probably
Never win an emmy but I'm fine
With an organization that
Considers veep to be a show and
I pounded banana and sprite
Before I rode a carnival ride.
This is week's regurgittion.
did visit the banana and
Sprite stand?
Okay.
How far along are you?
I don't care.
Let's get you in there.
This should be good.
This should be delightful.
This ride doesn't stop until
Everyone pops.
The first one to blow.
You get it.
Eat your bananas we'll throw up.
Oh, we're gonna have a banana.
Now it's te tobey your
Thirst.
This is only level one.
Let's kick it up to the adult
Setting.
Free refill?
We have a puker everyone.
We have a puker.
[cheers and applause]
that's nobody waiting.
What do you say, one more tim
[cheering]
[laughter]
okay.
There we go, my friend.
Good job.
Let me get your safeties.
There you go.
I thought you were taking a
Header.
That's fine.
[applause]
tosh: That was so fun but
Remember you should absolutely
Not film yourself doing the
Sprite banana challenge at
Amusement parks this summer.
That would be totally
Irresponsible.
We'll be right back but first
It's time for another
Installment of the deadliest
Dock.
oh, jesus christ!
It' all mine, it's all mine.
it's a shark!
A shark!
It's a big ass shark!
I have a camera.
[cheers andnd
tosh: It's not that bad.
Plus he just qualified for the
Paralympic.
Everyour years we spend two
Weeks watching athlete compete
For a chance to be own a box of
Disgusting cereal's no one's
Bo
Bought since the 50s.
Who wants to go to london?
It' like boston wh a big
Clock.
Olymps haven't been fun since
'92 since the dream team.
Barcelona started cranking out
Beautiful mixed-raced ballers.
Greeks only created the olympics
Because they neede something to
Watch while they eight.
That's the 2012 tosh.Olympics
Gas.
he loads into the blocks in
The historic tosh.Tostostosh.Ol
Games.
judo?
It's as if he's been training
All morning.
This will make the rematch
Tricky.
Time to throw stuff.
He chucks the metal frisbee and
The softball.
Tosh races through the field
Like a barrel-chested [bleep].
Oh, hits his hea on the
Release.
Can we se a replay?
No?
Okay.
Forehand followed by a
Two-handed backhand into
Whatever the hell that is.
The judges aren't going to like
That.
He cleans it, he jerks it and
Even has time to get a quick nap
In.
This is whereosh truly excels
Handling balls.
Spikes the volleyball into the
Camera.
A header for a goooaaal!
Look out dre team because
Ladanielust brought the house
Down and shots up for gymnastics
And he powdered his nose for
Extra energy.
Take that g series.
Just delightful.
Suck it china.
Must be nice to hug a man and
Not a 12-year-old girl that will
Never have a period.
That counts as equestrian?
Seems like a stretch.
Remember, nobody needs an
Assault rifle for any reason.
He'll probably get a low score
Because of that but it doesn't
Seem to bother him as he swims
Into the end of the pool and
Into rowing.
Here it is.
The final leg of the decathlon.
He does it the judges are
Factoring in ti, distance and
Degree of difficulty.
Daniel tosh just made daniel
Phelps look like a lazy bitch.
tosh: I completed in record
Time now can we start football
Season?
That's all americans care about.
I d't know why people are so
Upset about doping.
It makes sports so much easier.
This video come to us from
Talkie pitchers.
if I was homeless I'd move to
Florida.
yeah, florida.
tosh: Homeless guys are
Mocking us.
We'll be right back with the
First comedy central show I ever
Appeared on, premium blend.
Champions
tosh: Welcome back to the
Closing ceremonies this is the
Last episode of summer and it
Couldn't come soon enough.
I'm so burned out on you guys I
Almost don't want to do the
Plugs.
I said almost.
Go to twitter to get to know the
Real daniel and keep up with the
Blog at tosh dot comedy central
Dot com.
Buy thing from our store and
Come see me do stand-up in a
Wealthy beach comnity like
San
Santa b
Santa barbara and this is the
Last brickleber brickleberry pr
Summer
Want to hear the theme song?
[ll "sure" ]
[¶]
tosh: Catchy, huh?
Unless nobody watches it I
Predict brickleberry will be a
Success and as you know when I
Put a mouth on something it
Comes true and here's more
Things that will happen while
Away on vacation.
August 9, in adele sex tape will
Leak online to overwhelmingly
Posive reviews.
August 22, tobey maguire will
Find a mysterious lump on his
Body and be too afraid to get it
Checked out remember, the world
Is predestined so don't blame
Me.
It's god's fault.
I just have a gift.
On August 29th, during the
Remember national convention a
Representative from north
Carolina who doesn't realize his
Mic is still on will call obama
The n word.
On September 2 the price of a
Gallon of gas will go up as much
As six cents in a major marks
.
Disregard if you're not major
Market.
On September 5 bra pitt will
Cheat on angelina jolie with
Someone in the wardrobe
Department of his movie.
That's probably happening now.
September 11, uneventful,
Believe it for the.
Not a lot happens that day.
September 13th, apple will shock
The world revealing the apple 5
Would be slower than previous
Dels and not asbright.
On September 17th you'll be ten
Minutes late to work.
September 20th tim tebow will w
Impregnate lo lo jones lie a
Drew humming sesh and then bruce
Sprinteen dies in a card
Accident on September 25th the
Cheese cake factory will take
Three items off their 50 item
Menu and no one will give a
[bleep].
Finally, I struggle with how to
Say good-bye to my friends.
I saw a clip and I knew that was
The one.
Enjoy.
[laughter]
Something to a few well-placed
Ba
Bandages wouldn't fix and I
Promised myself I wouldn'tcry.
I was